in my shoes

i looked down this morning at my foot.  i love these shoes, i thought to myself.  and then i noticed that i felt completely disconnected from the foot to which i was physically attached.

this is the foot of a woman who values quality, beauty and personal integrity.  can a shoe really say all of that about a woman?  maybe.  i hope so, actually.  i remember taking one of those silly quizzes some time ago and after answering 5 or 6 questions the quiz gods told me that if i were a shoe i would be a Christian Louboutin.  what a lovely thought, i thought at the time.  then i shared my results with some of my friends and found that they were suited to shoes that had more substantive cache.  shoes that would hold up in a flood or be able to walk miles in a crisis.  i felt that i should WANT to be another kind of shoe, but secretly, deep in my heart, i LIKED being a Louboutin.  as i look at my shoes today and long for the feeling of belonging to this foot, i am here ... again ... longing to live the life of a woman who believes, values and demonstrates an appreciation for quality, beauty and integrity.

i stumbled on something last night.  a thought, a personal truth, a deeper understanding.  i have realized for a very long time that one of my superpowers is the ability to love people in a way that they can hear it and to use compassion to help them let themselves off the hook.  what i realized last night is that i do that to the detriment of my own heart and that superpower has cost me much.  i have always thought about superpowers being a good thing, but i felt a new understanding drop deeper into my soul last night.  superpowers are a great thing for others, but frequently it is a huge inconvenience to the cape wearer.

lately, i have been unable to show up for myself in meaningful ways.  i have been lacking in the self-care department which means that i am sleep-walking through my routine.  i'm doing the things that are good for me (mostly), but i'm doing them begrudgingly.  i show up for others and assume the role that each relationship dictates, but my authenticity, particularly this emerging desire to become a vocal leader of change and growth in the space of self-discovery and expression is being thwarted ... by ME!!  the universe has presented multiple opportunities of late to lean into resources and dive into a deeper exploration of the mechanics whereby i might be able to become such a leader, but i have actively sabotaged myself in the face of those easily opened doors.

i do believe that any opportunity that is presented is not a one-time only thing and that if it is meant to be, it will work itself back to me when i am more suited to accepting the fullness of it.  one of the tools i have the opportunity to utilize is writing -- hence this long-overdue blog posting.  i am still a little unsure about how or if i will share this with others, but at least today, i am willing to consider that sharing my thoughts about my feet is a step in the right direction.