Warm Brown Eyes

My fifth grade teacher gave an assignment to write a descriptive paragraph about someone.  I’m not sure but I think I chose my Mom.  What I do remember is that I “failed” that assignment because I wrote that she had “warm brown eyes.”  Not only did I get a failing grade, the teacher also put me on blast in front of the whole class as an example of what NOT to do.  She lectured for what seemed like forever that the word warm is a description of temperature and you cannot possibly know the temperature of a person’s eyes.  Okay, okay ... I get it!!!

But here’s the thing.  All these years later, I respectfully disagree.  In fact, I am a devotee of the kind of writing that evokes emotion.  My beloved Frankie has warm brown eyes.  They fill me with warmth when i share her gaze.  She also has a fierce female spirit that connects us.  

She has started her medications and is being a champ about it all.  She is starting to get a little wobbly on her feet which is an anticipated side effect as she adjusts to the meds, but mostly she is My Girl.  My Girl, with warm brown eyes, a playful gait, and the closest thing to true love that I have ever known 💗

Now. Here. This.

We are on our way to the super vet to get a handle on why Frankie had two seizures over the holidays.  We went to see the amazing Dr. Robles who has been a true angel for our family.  She operated on Cooper years ago and it was comforting to be back in her office.  We have great confidence in her compassion and her expertise. 

I remember going with my Mom to her Cancer group.  A man named Harry talked about waking up the morning after his diagnosis and he had become, in his own mind, a character from Kafka’s Metamorphosis ... Harry With Cancer.  It feels a little like this today with her.  Yesterday we were hanging by our fingernails with the thin hope that the seizures had just been odd occurrences possibly caused by some retrograde planet.  Today, though, she is Frankie With Cancer.  Frankie with a finite number of days by my side. Frankie who will probably not hold up her end of our deal to outlive me.  

Watching her I am filled with emotion.  Love and sad in equal measure, which is immense.  And gratitude.  No regret, instead a heart wrenching awareness that I wouldn’t change a moment of all that I have poured into US and that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Father Greg Boyle said in an interview that before he ventured into something challenging ... like a Tuesday, he pictured the marquee of a Broadway play from some time ago.  Now. Here. This.  I believe this will be our mantra as we embark on this next phase of our relationship.  Frankie has had the uncanny ability to bring me over and over again to the corner of Here and Now.  She does this once more for me and I am grateful to be standing Here with her by my side .... For Today!

in my shoes

i looked down this morning at my foot.  i love these shoes, i thought to myself.  and then i noticed that i felt completely disconnected from the foot to which i was physically attached.

this is the foot of a woman who values quality, beauty and personal integrity.  can a shoe really say all of that about a woman?  maybe.  i hope so, actually.  i remember taking one of those silly quizzes some time ago and after answering 5 or 6 questions the quiz gods told me that if i were a shoe i would be a Christian Louboutin.  what a lovely thought, i thought at the time.  then i shared my results with some of my friends and found that they were suited to shoes that had more substantive cache.  shoes that would hold up in a flood or be able to walk miles in a crisis.  i felt that i should WANT to be another kind of shoe, but secretly, deep in my heart, i LIKED being a Louboutin.  as i look at my shoes today and long for the feeling of belonging to this foot, i am here ... again ... longing to live the life of a woman who believes, values and demonstrates an appreciation for quality, beauty and integrity.

i stumbled on something last night.  a thought, a personal truth, a deeper understanding.  i have realized for a very long time that one of my superpowers is the ability to love people in a way that they can hear it and to use compassion to help them let themselves off the hook.  what i realized last night is that i do that to the detriment of my own heart and that superpower has cost me much.  i have always thought about superpowers being a good thing, but i felt a new understanding drop deeper into my soul last night.  superpowers are a great thing for others, but frequently it is a huge inconvenience to the cape wearer.

lately, i have been unable to show up for myself in meaningful ways.  i have been lacking in the self-care department which means that i am sleep-walking through my routine.  i'm doing the things that are good for me (mostly), but i'm doing them begrudgingly.  i show up for others and assume the role that each relationship dictates, but my authenticity, particularly this emerging desire to become a vocal leader of change and growth in the space of self-discovery and expression is being thwarted ... by ME!!  the universe has presented multiple opportunities of late to lean into resources and dive into a deeper exploration of the mechanics whereby i might be able to become such a leader, but i have actively sabotaged myself in the face of those easily opened doors.

i do believe that any opportunity that is presented is not a one-time only thing and that if it is meant to be, it will work itself back to me when i am more suited to accepting the fullness of it.  one of the tools i have the opportunity to utilize is writing -- hence this long-overdue blog posting.  i am still a little unsure about how or if i will share this with others, but at least today, i am willing to consider that sharing my thoughts about my feet is a step in the right direction.