Sometimes, when life feels a little too big for me to handle, I start to think about who will play me in the movie of my life. I wonder in great detail. Of course, all the actresses that originally came to mind when I first started to engage in this little fantasy many years ago were not quite right. They were too, too. I'll tell you who I've decided on later. First let me tell you who it's not. It's most certainly not Katharine Hepburn (too confident), or Audrey Hepburn for that matter (too dainty). It's not Emma Thompson (too English) or Catherine Deneuve (too French).
You are probably thinking – Really, Cath? You need a Hepburn or a Deneuve? But here’s the thing, and it’s a pretty big thing, she has to be able to really sell the profound gratitude I have for one of my most precious gifts. The gift of a broken heart. I know, cue the violins, but truthfully, I would not be the woman I am without it. For years, I felt like I was holding my breath trying NOT to get a broken heart. But that gave me only partial human experiences.
I could start to feel the cracks under the surface. Love that I gave needing to have something in return, so disappointment. The heartache and then a quick re-marshalling of my resources so that I could steel my heart before the actual break happened. And then multiple attempts to lean back in, but only far enough to place stress on an ever weakening heart center. Ultimately, it happened. There was a moment, or a person or some combination that I could no longer resist. Maybe I got older, maybe I just got softer or maybe my heart finally burst into a million pieces because it was actually too hard or possibly too small. I like to think that the little cracks along the way were the spaces where the spark of the Divine started to leak in. What I know today is that I will never go back to loving half way, even though loving wholly means that my broken heart will never truly be mended again. I like to think of the pieces of my broken heart as sparkling pieces of fairy dust that somehow get scattered easily as I move through this life. I hope that as I lean all the way into my life and the people whose paths are crossed with mine, that those microscopic pieces of my broken heart are actually dusting each and every interaction. I hope that people walk away and feel differently because the Divine has been planted in a fertile space like the dandelion snowflakes on a warm breezy spring day.
Yes, in the movie of my life, the fantastic Susan Sarandon will have to convey with a wink or a smile or a well-placed tear that my life is its richest BECAUSE of my broken heart.
i see a book in your future. this concept of "those microscopic pieces of my broken heart are actually dusting each and every interaction" is utterly brilliant.
ReplyDeletei'm partial to susan because i've been told many times i look like her. i could play you too, only it might take years for my heart to defrost.
you're a beautiful writer, woman and teacher.
Susan Sarandon is the perfect choice, always intense and always gorgeous, just like you.
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