This morning I had to go back to work. I had to leave her for more than a quick trip to the store and I realized as my heart filled with dread walking out the door that the past several days was the work of the Divine allowing me extra time before real life crept into our intimate little bubble. Her schedule is changing and the medications are making her feel “not right.” She keeps trying to tell me that she just doesn’t feel like herself. I know what she means as I don’t feel like myself either. I missed my workout today but by the end of the week I should be able to find a new normal. Probably not a new normal, more like the Buddhist mantra “right now, it’s like this.” It has been a very long time since I have balanced so close to tearful outbursts because my broken heart cracks (to borrow a phrase from a real writer) “bit by bit and then all at once.”
It’s painful to be contemplating daily life without her, but the huge space that she has in my heart contains both joy and sad in equal measure. The acknowledgement of the depth of my feelings for her is coupled with the very real awareness of the loss that I will feel when she is gone. I have learned this lesson, more than once and I choose a life today where I will always put myself on the love train tracks ... All In, All The Time.
Today I have made a few calls to start the process of exploring other possible treatments, but mostly today I’m just feeling deeply my truth that I love so much that I ache.
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