graced.

Grace, by definition:  “(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.”  Grace, by practice:  the original renewable resource.
It has taken me many years to grasp the enormity of this profound gift.  I grew up Catholic and the only thing I knew of grace was that Mary was full of it.  I do not know what was actually intended by the forefathers of Catholicism, but I was indoctrinated at a very young age to memorize prayers, chants and by extension portions of the Catholic mass by rote.  I know today that my inate ability to memorize did NOT get me closer to a God (of my understanding or otherwise), but it did make me popular with the nuns and helped my GPA.  The rites of passage from childhood to adolescence to adulthood have taken me through the inevitable love/hate/acceptance/respect of all religions, but the Catholic faith is the one with which I am most familiar.  I suspect that rather than memorizing prayers, it would have been helpful to absorb them.  Which brings me to today and the comfort I find in allowing Grace to wash over me right now.
Like every other human being on this planet, my life is a mixed bag, with good and bad, happy and sad, ease and strife.  I find myself moved to tears by love and joy and dragged into a bag of Fritos by pain and sadness.  It makes no sense to my brain, but my soul and heart, having been bathed once more in grace, is content even in the depth of feelings swirling in me.
Frankie (and I) had a better night.  We are starting to work out a schedule that we can both sustain.  I feel at peace today and most assuredly touched by the Grace of the Divine.  Truly, Namaste today ... the divine light in me meets and honors the divine light in you.  And, coming full circle to my Catholic roots, Amen.

Back to normal ... NOT!!

This morning I had to go back to work.  I had to leave her for more than a quick trip to the store and I realized as my heart filled with dread walking out the door that the past several days was the work of the Divine allowing me extra time before real life crept into our intimate little bubble.  Her schedule is changing and the medications are making her feel “not right.”  She keeps trying to tell me that she just doesn’t feel like herself.  I know what she means as I don’t feel like myself either.  I missed my workout today but by the end of the week I should be able to find a new normal.  Probably not a new normal, more like the Buddhist mantra “right now, it’s like this.”  It has been a very long time since I have balanced so close to tearful outbursts because my broken heart cracks (to borrow a phrase from a real writer) “bit by bit and then all at once.”

It’s painful to be contemplating daily life without her, but the huge space that she has in my heart contains both joy and sad in equal measure.  The acknowledgement of the depth of my feelings for her is coupled with the very real awareness of the loss that I will feel when she is gone.  I have learned this lesson, more than once and I choose a life today where I will always put myself on the love train tracks ... All In, All The Time.  

Today I have made a few calls to start the process of exploring other possible treatments, but mostly today I’m just feeling deeply my truth that I love so much that I ache.

Closer, Mama

I am starting to think that my phone makes some high pitched sound when I use the camera.  She always flinches.  I have made a decision to take more photos of us together.  Frankie has always demonstrated outward manifestations of my inward feelings.  And I don’t really like my photo taken either.  I do, however, treasure photos of myself with my loved ones and it is obvious even to my vanity that I cannot have those photos without putting aside my false pride.  

It’s New Years Day 2018 and I’m trying to balance all the competing thoughts, energies and and incoming influences that come with a new chronological year.  Get in shape, cut out sugar, bring on beauty, joy and connection, be present, set yearly intentions, don’t miss the magic.  Ugh!!!  It’s too much for me today.  

As I think about it now, when I chose a catch phrase for my website (which is largely dormant), it was very spontaneous — “from the ordinary, extraordinary.”  I keep thinking I should change it to something more spiritual, something that would be more inspiring, but I can’t settle on anything that is more meaningful to me.  

The seemingly ordinary experience of having a pet has been nothing short of extraordinary for me.  We havr walked and cuddled and napped.  Each experience bringing me closer to my true nature.  When Frankie was young she would pull fabric toys apart until she just had bits of fabric left.  She would lay one end of the fabric on my knee while she held the other end in her teeth.  We would play this silly game where I barely had two fingernails’ worth of purchase on this tiny piece of fabric and we would each pull.  She would always win and simply replant the loose end back on my knee.  She could go on for hours.  Ordinary?  Not one bit.  I am a far, far more loving woman because of the ordinary(?) gift of being a Dog Mama 💗