Grow, Grow

There is a favorite line that I frequently consider from a movie I once saw:  “You either thought about it, or you didn’t and either way …”  In the scene, two characters have drastically different ideas about what is best for a larger group of people.  It is clear that each of the characters is connected to his own ego, but underneath it all, both are genuinely invested in the best for all concerned.  They just don’t see eye to eye about what that “best” is.

For years, I have used this line on my own self – when I’m struggling with a decision or trying to right my life after having made a leeward decision.  But the truth is, that line and idea is the voice of my inner critic.  The voice that reminds me that no matter what I choose, I will have either “thought about it, or not,” and “either way …”  It is the voice that tells me no matter which course I take, I am bound to fail.  New days bring with them new understandings.  That quote and the idea of it is comforting to me.  What if, in this space, I allow myself to think it through as well as I can and then choose what I WANT, what I DESIRE, what I BELIEVE might be the best for me and only me.  What if in that trusting I also believe that what is best for me is automatically the best for everyone else, too.  What if?  Indeed, I am moving to a place where I can choose to live HERE more frequently.  Where I can ask myself – that woman who is, at her core, kind and loving and generous and thoughtful of others – what I would like for myself.

I am reflecting today about a woman I knew several years ago.  She easily and readily tells a story of how she, in the middle of her life took some actions that were found to be illegal for reasons that she believed to be just.  She spent time in prison for those choices and had been released back to the fold, probably partially in order to tell the story of her journey.  When first I heard the story I did not understand how someone would “feel” compelled to do something that was illegal.  A couple of decades have passed for me since first hearing this story and I can say with all the enthusiasm of a dare-I-say it menopausal-ish woman – I GET IT!!!  I understand why there comes in every woman’s life, if she is really, really lucky a Thelma & Louise moment.  That moment where she is able to channel the spirit of Anais Nin and knows in the depth of her heart that the pain of blooming pales in comparison to the pain of staying invisible to one’s own self.

The real problem is, that to truly blossom sometimes feels like it requires the same action that it would take to completely obliterate the life that one had so carefully constructed to this point.  For me, that courage would look like grabbing my favorite jeans, sweatshirt, dog and camera and running away from home.  I realize that I have become inexplicably attached to electronic creature comforts.  I could not, for example, imagine being so far away from my tribe, that I would be willing to forgo my cell phone and I continue to be inspired by that world wide tribe via Facebook, Pinterest, blogs, e-mails and the world wide web.  It is also not lost on me that after having traveled this planet for over half a century, the truth remains that no matter where I go, there I am.  So, what I am framing as courage could also be complete lunacy.  What I am left with today, as I contemplate these rather large feelings of fight or flight is that I am all of these things and more.  I am a grounded spirit that needs to fly and a shooting star that wants to land.  I believe that bold, bright love is a little hard to witness in its fullness and offering my wholeness to the Divine makes me FEEL awed.  Today I will walk in my own moccasins (mine just happen to be 5-inch heels) and drink water to nourish the blossom.