Wait?! Did I Get It Wrong?

I don't think I actually have ANYTHING left from the time that I was six years old, except maybe a few core beliefs. Hmmmmmm. A couple of new wounds to my tender heart have caused me to back up and take stock of some of the things that "I know for sure." Sounds easy, doesn't it? Just look at the belief, try it on (like an ancient pair of spectator pumps), shine it up a bit and put it back into the rotation as a "classic." The problem is, that some of my beliefs are permanently outdated.

Being raised in very Catholic surroundings, I realize today that there was barely any discernable difference between the messages that I got from my parents, the clergy and/or God. In fact, I first came into contact with what I call "The Voice," when I was very young -- maybe 4 or 6. What I'm sure I heard was "do everything for everyone else and ask for nothing for yourself." Ok -- not that fair, but after all, it was The Voice, so what real choice did I have? Comply or be smited. I know that I also grew up with the idea that there was NEVER going to be enough. In particular, love. Never enough love.

Maybe, just maybe, these two thoughts collided in the stratosphere and I adopted the idea that there would simply never be enough love for ME. Years have passed and I have been willing to accept that in fact there is always enough. Love feeds on itself and creates more of the same. Love inhabits and multiplies through all who travel in faith, in service, in wonderment, and in quandry. One of my mentors once said "love is not a pie" and another declared "there's enough 'like' for everyone." What I stayed with was that none of it was earmarked for me. Clearly, the current lifetime that I had assumed here was to be one of great sacrifice. I have to say here, that I became secretly enamored with the idea that I would be the poster child for the "unloved." Somehow, maybe being specifically "unloved" made me more loveable. If not more loveable, then most certainly I was on the right path to redemption and the ultimate earning of love. But love, as it turns out, is the original renewable resource.

Here is the spiritual closet cleaning, then. What if The Divine really called on me at a very young age to be a bearer of love to those who could not hear it through traditional sources? What if my special calling in this life was to hear those who cried out in ways that were not scooped up easily. Because, truly, as I review my life, those have been some of the most sacred experiences in my life. I never feel more myself than when I am mirroring for an injured soul that amazing part of them that is obscured by their current pain and confusion. I always feel absolutely CERTAIN that I am right about their magnificence and I am equally sure in those tender moments that the clarity I see is not of my making or even of my uncovering, but rather I have been given a VIP pass to one of God's most precious creatures. And in that moment, I too, feel love and affirmation and comfort.

So many people want to talk to me of what "little cathy" might need. I rebuff such musings given the fact that she has seemingly been at the root of all this spiritual whining for all these years. In this moment, though, I am going to publicly acknowledge her. I have only a glimpse of her. She is wide-eyed, wispy haired and spinning fast enough to feel her pink cotton skirt float gently with her rotations. She has tipped her head back to feel the full warmth of the sun on her face and she is certain that the music playing is hers and hers alone. As she tilts her head back to center and opens her eyes, it is me again, but i can feel that her little spirit is settling a little deeper in my soul. Along with her is the very palpable gift of having some insight into how to love individuals in his or her own language.

One of my favorite quotes as a teenager was "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space." As my life has unfolded that quote started to mean whatever you do don't take up too much space. And today I humbly concede that the space that has been assigned to me will go unattended if I do not take it up. Little Cathy has trundled off to find more fields in which to twirl and I am here with the magical, mystical Divine, decoding my own personal rosetta stone and fine tuning my spiritual ear to The Voice.