The Sad Story of the Bundtlette and the Tribe …

A few weeks ago, I had a women’s gathering at my home.  I prepared a beautiful fresh vegetable salad and a large bowl of fresh berries.  Since I was having guests, I also included a dozen bundtinis (mini, bite-sized bundts individually wrapped).  I am quickly becoming a faithful PnP Tribe member, so I made a plan for the event and put one bundtini on it.  As the morning unfolded, I got so busy hostessing that I simply did not have the sweet I put on my plan.  I sent all the leftovers home with a woman who has three teenagers and began tidying up and doing the dishes.  I was riding high on my “willpower.”  I was, in fact, the queen of the world … for a moment!!  As the next few days unfolded, I found that I had become unmoored.  I could not stay on plan and was grabbing all kinds of nonsense food to, I don’t know, make up for the fact that I missed out on my planned bundtini.  I did countless Discovery Sheets on why I could not get my act together.  Suffice it to say, I learned a lot about myself and came out the other side more committed than ever to the Tribe Way of Life!!! 

Shortly after “the incident,” I received an email from the bundt cake company telling me that I get a “free” bundtLETTE for my birthday (which was imminent).  Ooooooh, I thought, now I can try again AND the bundtlette is bigger than the bundtini (first rationalization).  I’ll share it with my husband (I KNEW that was a lie)!!  So I started making my birthday plan TWO WEEKS in advance.  On my birthday I would go to the bundt shop, choose my bundtlette and eat it for dessert.  Yesterday was THE DAY.  I got to the shop, and was directed to the bundtlette row – “HEY, wait – that’s not a small cake, that’s a big cupcake!!”  I’m getting cheated.  My thoughts wandered:  “I could purchase something bigger,” “I could purchase a second one,” “hell, I could even purchase the large cake, if I want to.”  But then I thought about my plan and thought, “well, if it want it that badly, I can put it on my plan and come get another one tomorrow,” and left the shop with my single bundtlette – emphasis on “lette.”  Now the story gets sad – We went to dinner and I ordered exactly what I had on plan.  It was also -4 day on my Hunger Scale Challenge, so I was pretty hungry when we got to dinner.  I did what I’ve been doing since my bundtini slide, I visually split my dinner in half and began to enjoy the evening.  I was not more than half way into my “half,” when I noticed that I was taking in those deep breaths.  Have I had enough?  NOOOOOOO, this is so good – I don’t want to stop eating.  But then I realized there was bundt at home, so I stopped.  As we were driving home, I started noticing that I was full.  In other words, I was not hungry and I was probably not going to have my long awaited birthday bundt.

 

I am here, this morning, one day post-bundt-heartbreak to say – I feel amazing.  The bundlette is sitting happily in my refrigerator and may go on one of my plans in the next week.  Thank you, Corinne, the Tribe and my beautiful accountability group PnP2gether for this new found confidence in my ability to make good choices!!!

graced.

Grace, by definition:  “(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.”  Grace, by practice:  the original renewable resource.
It has taken me many years to grasp the enormity of this profound gift.  I grew up Catholic and the only thing I knew of grace was that Mary was full of it.  I do not know what was actually intended by the forefathers of Catholicism, but I was indoctrinated at a very young age to memorize prayers, chants and by extension portions of the Catholic mass by rote.  I know today that my inate ability to memorize did NOT get me closer to a God (of my understanding or otherwise), but it did make me popular with the nuns and helped my GPA.  The rites of passage from childhood to adolescence to adulthood have taken me through the inevitable love/hate/acceptance/respect of all religions, but the Catholic faith is the one with which I am most familiar.  I suspect that rather than memorizing prayers, it would have been helpful to absorb them.  Which brings me to today and the comfort I find in allowing Grace to wash over me right now.
Like every other human being on this planet, my life is a mixed bag, with good and bad, happy and sad, ease and strife.  I find myself moved to tears by love and joy and dragged into a bag of Fritos by pain and sadness.  It makes no sense to my brain, but my soul and heart, having been bathed once more in grace, is content even in the depth of feelings swirling in me.
Frankie (and I) had a better night.  We are starting to work out a schedule that we can both sustain.  I feel at peace today and most assuredly touched by the Grace of the Divine.  Truly, Namaste today ... the divine light in me meets and honors the divine light in you.  And, coming full circle to my Catholic roots, Amen.

Back to normal ... NOT!!

This morning I had to go back to work.  I had to leave her for more than a quick trip to the store and I realized as my heart filled with dread walking out the door that the past several days was the work of the Divine allowing me extra time before real life crept into our intimate little bubble.  Her schedule is changing and the medications are making her feel “not right.”  She keeps trying to tell me that she just doesn’t feel like herself.  I know what she means as I don’t feel like myself either.  I missed my workout today but by the end of the week I should be able to find a new normal.  Probably not a new normal, more like the Buddhist mantra “right now, it’s like this.”  It has been a very long time since I have balanced so close to tearful outbursts because my broken heart cracks (to borrow a phrase from a real writer) “bit by bit and then all at once.”

It’s painful to be contemplating daily life without her, but the huge space that she has in my heart contains both joy and sad in equal measure.  The acknowledgement of the depth of my feelings for her is coupled with the very real awareness of the loss that I will feel when she is gone.  I have learned this lesson, more than once and I choose a life today where I will always put myself on the love train tracks ... All In, All The Time.  

Today I have made a few calls to start the process of exploring other possible treatments, but mostly today I’m just feeling deeply my truth that I love so much that I ache.

Closer, Mama

I am starting to think that my phone makes some high pitched sound when I use the camera.  She always flinches.  I have made a decision to take more photos of us together.  Frankie has always demonstrated outward manifestations of my inward feelings.  And I don’t really like my photo taken either.  I do, however, treasure photos of myself with my loved ones and it is obvious even to my vanity that I cannot have those photos without putting aside my false pride.  

It’s New Years Day 2018 and I’m trying to balance all the competing thoughts, energies and and incoming influences that come with a new chronological year.  Get in shape, cut out sugar, bring on beauty, joy and connection, be present, set yearly intentions, don’t miss the magic.  Ugh!!!  It’s too much for me today.  

As I think about it now, when I chose a catch phrase for my website (which is largely dormant), it was very spontaneous — “from the ordinary, extraordinary.”  I keep thinking I should change it to something more spiritual, something that would be more inspiring, but I can’t settle on anything that is more meaningful to me.  

The seemingly ordinary experience of having a pet has been nothing short of extraordinary for me.  We havr walked and cuddled and napped.  Each experience bringing me closer to my true nature.  When Frankie was young she would pull fabric toys apart until she just had bits of fabric left.  She would lay one end of the fabric on my knee while she held the other end in her teeth.  We would play this silly game where I barely had two fingernails’ worth of purchase on this tiny piece of fabric and we would each pull.  She would always win and simply replant the loose end back on my knee.  She could go on for hours.  Ordinary?  Not one bit.  I am a far, far more loving woman because of the ordinary(?) gift of being a Dog Mama 💗

Warm Brown Eyes

My fifth grade teacher gave an assignment to write a descriptive paragraph about someone.  I’m not sure but I think I chose my Mom.  What I do remember is that I “failed” that assignment because I wrote that she had “warm brown eyes.”  Not only did I get a failing grade, the teacher also put me on blast in front of the whole class as an example of what NOT to do.  She lectured for what seemed like forever that the word warm is a description of temperature and you cannot possibly know the temperature of a person’s eyes.  Okay, okay ... I get it!!!

But here’s the thing.  All these years later, I respectfully disagree.  In fact, I am a devotee of the kind of writing that evokes emotion.  My beloved Frankie has warm brown eyes.  They fill me with warmth when i share her gaze.  She also has a fierce female spirit that connects us.  

She has started her medications and is being a champ about it all.  She is starting to get a little wobbly on her feet which is an anticipated side effect as she adjusts to the meds, but mostly she is My Girl.  My Girl, with warm brown eyes, a playful gait, and the closest thing to true love that I have ever known 💗

Now. Here. This.

We are on our way to the super vet to get a handle on why Frankie had two seizures over the holidays.  We went to see the amazing Dr. Robles who has been a true angel for our family.  She operated on Cooper years ago and it was comforting to be back in her office.  We have great confidence in her compassion and her expertise. 

I remember going with my Mom to her Cancer group.  A man named Harry talked about waking up the morning after his diagnosis and he had become, in his own mind, a character from Kafka’s Metamorphosis ... Harry With Cancer.  It feels a little like this today with her.  Yesterday we were hanging by our fingernails with the thin hope that the seizures had just been odd occurrences possibly caused by some retrograde planet.  Today, though, she is Frankie With Cancer.  Frankie with a finite number of days by my side. Frankie who will probably not hold up her end of our deal to outlive me.  

Watching her I am filled with emotion.  Love and sad in equal measure, which is immense.  And gratitude.  No regret, instead a heart wrenching awareness that I wouldn’t change a moment of all that I have poured into US and that I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. 

Father Greg Boyle said in an interview that before he ventured into something challenging ... like a Tuesday, he pictured the marquee of a Broadway play from some time ago.  Now. Here. This.  I believe this will be our mantra as we embark on this next phase of our relationship.  Frankie has had the uncanny ability to bring me over and over again to the corner of Here and Now.  She does this once more for me and I am grateful to be standing Here with her by my side .... For Today!

in my shoes

i looked down this morning at my foot.  i love these shoes, i thought to myself.  and then i noticed that i felt completely disconnected from the foot to which i was physically attached.

this is the foot of a woman who values quality, beauty and personal integrity.  can a shoe really say all of that about a woman?  maybe.  i hope so, actually.  i remember taking one of those silly quizzes some time ago and after answering 5 or 6 questions the quiz gods told me that if i were a shoe i would be a Christian Louboutin.  what a lovely thought, i thought at the time.  then i shared my results with some of my friends and found that they were suited to shoes that had more substantive cache.  shoes that would hold up in a flood or be able to walk miles in a crisis.  i felt that i should WANT to be another kind of shoe, but secretly, deep in my heart, i LIKED being a Louboutin.  as i look at my shoes today and long for the feeling of belonging to this foot, i am here ... again ... longing to live the life of a woman who believes, values and demonstrates an appreciation for quality, beauty and integrity.

i stumbled on something last night.  a thought, a personal truth, a deeper understanding.  i have realized for a very long time that one of my superpowers is the ability to love people in a way that they can hear it and to use compassion to help them let themselves off the hook.  what i realized last night is that i do that to the detriment of my own heart and that superpower has cost me much.  i have always thought about superpowers being a good thing, but i felt a new understanding drop deeper into my soul last night.  superpowers are a great thing for others, but frequently it is a huge inconvenience to the cape wearer.

lately, i have been unable to show up for myself in meaningful ways.  i have been lacking in the self-care department which means that i am sleep-walking through my routine.  i'm doing the things that are good for me (mostly), but i'm doing them begrudgingly.  i show up for others and assume the role that each relationship dictates, but my authenticity, particularly this emerging desire to become a vocal leader of change and growth in the space of self-discovery and expression is being thwarted ... by ME!!  the universe has presented multiple opportunities of late to lean into resources and dive into a deeper exploration of the mechanics whereby i might be able to become such a leader, but i have actively sabotaged myself in the face of those easily opened doors.

i do believe that any opportunity that is presented is not a one-time only thing and that if it is meant to be, it will work itself back to me when i am more suited to accepting the fullness of it.  one of the tools i have the opportunity to utilize is writing -- hence this long-overdue blog posting.  i am still a little unsure about how or if i will share this with others, but at least today, i am willing to consider that sharing my thoughts about my feet is a step in the right direction.